rough times

Okay so today I finally went into the cop shop and got aaron's suicide letter, it was easier then I thought untill I read it all over again.
To read those words that he wrote break my heart, I thought that I had cried every tear I could for him but this simple piece of paper has bought up so many feelings that I had locked away.
Aaron will and has missed so much of Axden's life, he has missed everything past the age of 6 months, he never saw him crawling around, walking, talking, never heard his first word and never will hear axden tell him he loves him.
I know Axden will never remember Aaron he will only have photos and know what he is told. I will never keep this from Axden he has the right to know what happened to his Dad and not just assume its someone else or that he doesn't want to know him.
It hurts to think of the way everything was meant to be, how everything was meant to turn out and it was so far from the way it did.
Aaron's suicide will always haunt my sweetest dreams, there is nowhere I can hide from it, noway I can escape it and noway I could ever forget him.

so

Don't you hate it when things play on your mind? Like things that shouldn't have even been said. I do. And about a week ago I found out that someone who wasn't even liked by aaron had been telling every one they knew that I was the reason he killed himself, if I didn't leave him he would still be here so its all my fault.
I have spent my time feeling guilty about that whole situation, I have delt with it and know its not my fault. Its just sad that this person thinks she knew him and now she is saying this, I find it sad and pathetic but I guess that's how she is.
I was talking about it the other day with a mate of mine and we both agreed she is just an all round tool and would punch her in the face for doing this to aarons family.
She really needs to understand what rest in peace means.

easter

Happy easter yay well easter was good fun went out and stayed at my uncles with the family. So we went up there saturday round lunch time axden loves it out there coz it out bush way so he was running around and chasing bugs and little skinks and that jazz. Was a bit stressful trying to get him to sleep because he kept changing his mind about where he wanted to sleep and getting up and running off on me so nanna stepped in and made him go to sleep which was good coz he was uber tired lol. So after axden went to bed we all sat around a fire talking shit and drinking it was good fun everyone got a tad hammered. So when we all went to bed was good it was so comfy and warm untill axden woke up at 3am and kept me awake talking about nothing till 6 then he went back to sleep and I stayed awake yay lol but it was all good fun still so after breakfast we all headed home to find the easter bunny came for ax. We then went to matts parents and did that yay its easter stuff and then monday went out to bret and christines (aarons parents) and had tea was a good weekend and axden now has twice his weight in chocolate lol

over it

Im so over all the arsehole friends out there, they always say they'll drop by or come over and drink that kinda thing and never do they just ignor you for the rest of the day/night/week.
I am just so over them is it really that hard to keep to your word or even just give someone a call saying they can't make it? Apparently it is. Also why is it when I crack it and say something I am the one out of line and being a bitch? Do they really think they do nothing wrong? People piss me off and how is it so hard for someone to realise they have been being an arsehole, am I the only one that thinks it is redictulas me trying to get someone to pick me up take me where I want then come get me when I am done sorry I don't have my own personal slave.
Personally all these bastards can just fuck off if this is how they think it can be.

fun times

Over the last 2 weeks I've been catching up with a mate I haven't spoken to in about 2 years, been catching up on what's been happening and talking a lot about aaron.
He has been telling me how he didn't even find out aaron had killed himself until a few days before the funeral, and how noone will talk about it and everyone has fallen apart from it.
Its been good fun in a sad way, I know matt hates us talking about the past as much as we have been but meh he will live with it.

not that great

Well yesterday was crap, I found out matt has more debt then I was told, so that was just a giant argument because he is already putting all his money on another debt he had.
So sick of having no money to do anything that isn't bugeted for and on top of that axden's toilet training is going horrible, he was going good for awhile but now he won't go to the potty, even if he is wetting himself.
So yesterday was spent pissed off with matt and chasing ax to try and stop him peeing everywhere. So after ax went to bed I bummed with tara playing xbox till like 11:30 then went and crashed in bed.
So had a great nights sleep only to wake up at 6:30 to matt telling me his bike had been stolen, which means someone was in my back yard going through all the crap out there and in the laundry. So once matt had cabed it home I went to crawl back into bed only to find axden was wide awake and wasn't going back to sleep.
It has really been a great morning, who doesn't love waking up at 6:30 (axden usually sleeps till about 8:30) think I might have a sleep on the couch later yay

im bored

Im bored it sucks. So far today I have seen a hot air ballon that looked like it was going to crash in a house, seen my parents who got back from their holiday yesterday and gone to lunch. So now I am sitting here with axden having a nap, I have nothing to do there isn't enough housework to justify me cleaning up because it will take 5 mins. I think I might put axden in jocks when he wakes up give me something to do make sure he doesn't pee all over the house